Many long-term couples find themselves asking the same question: Where did the spark go? In the early days of a romance, intimacy often feels spontaneous, electric, and irresistible. But over time, real life sets in, and that fiery passion can fade. Suddenly, partners are wondering how to get back to that honeymoon phase or if it’s even possible.

For some, that quest for “great sex” becomes a driving force behind major decisions like stepping outside the relationship, opening a marriage, or even calling it quits. But according to therapists, the solution isn’t about chasing the impossible ideal of perfect passion. Instead, it’s about embracing what experts call good-enough sex—a realistic, rewarding approach to intimacy that focuses on connection rather than performance.

Redefining What Sex Should Be

The phrase “good-enough sex,” coined by sex therapists Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy, doesn’t mean settling for bland, mediocre intimacy. Quite the opposite: it’s about shifting expectations. Instead of holding sex to a movie-script standard of endless fireworks, couples are encouraged to focus on pleasure, satisfaction, and emotional closeness—without the pressure of perfection.

“Sex doesn’t have to be flawless to be fulfilling,” explained Dr. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute. “Good-enough sex is about enjoying the experience as it unfolds, without demanding that it always match some imagined standard.”

Therapist Rebecca Sokoll adds that many people get stuck chasing an illusion of “amazing sex” they’ve absorbed from films, TV, or pornography. “We forget that real intimacy doesn’t look like a performance,” she said. “Great sex is the kind that feels authentic and right for you, not what you’ve been told it should look like.”

Why Scheduling Intimacy Can Make It Better

One of the most surprising truths about good-enough sex? Planning it doesn’t kill the mood—it actually improves it. Couples who block out time for intimacy often feel more relaxed, prepared, and able to enjoy the moment.

Research even suggests that once-a-week intimacy can boost not only relationship satisfaction but also overall wellbeing. Sex therapist Eva Dillon encourages couples to treat sex like any other important appointment. “When you make it a priority on your calendar, you protect it from getting lost under errands and deadlines. And anticipation can be incredibly sexy,” she said.

Simple rituals like holding hands more often, laughing together, or setting the scene with music and lighting can also make scheduled encounters feel fresh and special.

Talking Openly Makes It Work

Good-enough sex isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom—it’s about the conversations around it. Communication, before and after, is just as important as during. Partners who discuss what they like, what they’d like more of, and even what didn’t work are more likely to feel satisfied.

Some therapists even suggest making “intimacy menus”—lists of things each partner would enjoy. That way, there’s always a playful way to choose what feels right in the moment.

It Starts in the Mind

Another key shift? Remembering that the brain is the body’s most powerful sex organ. Fantasies, storytelling, reading erotica together, or sharing playful moments throughout the day can keep desire alive.

“Couples who thrive sexually use their imagination to bring more excitement into the experience,” Sokoll noted. “They learn to see themselves, their partner, and even everyday moments through an erotic lens.”

Getting Better With Time

A common misconception is that sex inevitably declines with age. In reality, it simply evolves. What worked at 25 might not work at 55, but that doesn’t mean intimacy loses its value. In fact, couples who adapt and stay curious often find their sex lives becoming richer and more satisfying with age.

As Dr. Lehmiller explained, “Bodies change, but pleasure doesn’t disappear. If you’re willing to adjust and explore, intimacy can actually deepen as the years go by.”

The Real Goal: Pleasure, Not Performance

At its core, good-enough sex is about focusing on enjoyment rather than measuring performance. That might mean expanding the definition of sex beyond intercourse, or experimenting with new forms of intimacy.

“When pleasure is the goal, anxiety fades and playfulness increases,” said Dillon. “The key question isn’t ‘How did I do?’ but ‘Am I enjoying this right now?’”

So instead of worrying about recreating the wild energy of the past, couples can embrace what’s right in front of them: intimacy that feels genuine, comfortable, and deeply satisfying. Because when sex is good enough, it often turns out to be more than enough.